while listening to sj K.R.Y's snow flower ost, which happens to be a really touching song...
i broke into tears..
T_T

ive been thinking so much & so deep lately. i've been blaming god for doing this to me.
i've been blaming everything in my life..
i wanted to concentrate on my studies like others.. but it seems like i cant.
i know its the not right time but i had fallen too much 4 suju..
what i meant by its not the right time is everything that happened seem to be opposite to each..
i wanted to be there 4 suju.. altho they cant see me.. feel me..
but i hope they feel my love..
i'm not dying for them.. but i'm really worried when i think about the sickness they had due to their tight schedules..my heart is really pain..
im not sure if they're completely fine now.. they muz be tired..
why do i care so much about them? they are not even a part of my family. but somehow..
i guess its bcuz when its about home, i'm all lonely.. altho i hv a family but it seemed like i'm living wif myself.. the hse is always empty wif only my presence..
i'm not sad towards that.. bcuz i always like to be alone.. but when sj entertain me everytime im in front of the comp, i felt really happy & laugh more compared than when i'm in skul..
altho i'm alone,but i wish life wasnt this harsh..
if only i could drive.. i'd hv drive to a seaside now & shout as loud as i can..

sometimes its hard to express myself in reality so i'd rather stay quiet & emotional..
i didnt want to but my birth month & horoscope explains my personalities really true..
i can be very moody.. i can be very pessimistic..
when i look around me, i could find no shoulder to rely on or a friend to talk to..
all i feel secure is my pc.. theres wher i can find happiness altho i'm jus alone..

its a very hard time for me now. i cant immerse myself into studies & i'm very dilemma about suju cumin 2 msia.
i cant seem to think rationally..
but after all, the future i wanted is very simple.. i dont want to be a doctor, scientist, lawyer or what so ever..
i jus want to do something i love & make life to the best..
i kept thinking, as long as i work towards my dream, nothing is impossible.
& i strongly believe that.
i cant wait to leave this school which i cant find real happiness & chingoo.. *yes i meant chingoo(u'll understand if u understand ) .......
but for now.. the focus is on the coming trials.. i cant even seem to get myself 2 study..
dunno whether its fate or coincidence, i ...................................... *lost*
i dun even know wth im typing.. but right now im juz typing wat my heart feels..
pls 4give me if u cant understand anything..

all i can say 2 suju is...

i'm sorry, i love you...

(i'll delete/edit this post once i can deal wif my emotions)