i sat by the corner falling into my own world..shifting my eyes to books. trying to communicate with words & not voices of the ones around me. listening, i heard the words speaking- words.

weird.

awkwardness-its pretty much everywhere. flowing like a smoke all around. i choose to keep to myself because everyone pretty much seems into their own as well. except the fact..i'm one. they're two..three..four..or maybe more. i'm just that one person.

i think i've established a really cold shelter within me. i pretty much hate distracting others..or making the first move. it seems that everyone is pretty much comfortable with their own groups. so whether i'm there or not.. it doesn't really matter. i never really existed at the first place,though.

im too tired of dealing with my own life it seems i have no energy to care about socializing anymore. i have a lot of responsibilities,crazy ones that not YOU,YES YOU COULD THINK OF.

seeing how easy life is for teens of my age.. i feel even more responsible because i had a lot to deal with in life. i'm not your ordinary 16 yr old.

i carry serious responsibilities. not joking matters.
i carry burdens that not one 16 yr old can carry.
YOU'D NEVER WANT TO KNOW HOW THIS FEELS. UNLESS YOU GET TO BE ME FOR ONE DAY,JUST ONE DAY. THAT IS WHY YOU'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.

i want to let it all out,but it isn't as easy as i thought,so crying is my best solution. for i didn't have anyone that i could talk to,at least crying them out isn't as painful as keeping them inside,not having anyone to tell,& even worse pretending to be happy when i'm not. that is just purely lying to yourself,i know because i've tried this before.

i'm sorry,friends. do i even have one? i get the feeling of the more noone knew who i am..the easier it is to leave because i wouldn't have feelings for anyone , i wouldn't have lovely friendships, so if one day i left.. i wouldn't cause so much of a pain to anyone. & to myself as well.


-

i had the worst sleep the entire night yesterday.. i'd constantly woke up every 15 minutes with no reason.


..i think.. i've prepared my heart for this. when,i dunno.. i don't care anymore because this isn't the first time. i have to go through this alone,all alone.


i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine

MEY YEN HWAITING!!!! YOU ARE NOT THAT WEAK OKAY? SO STOP FALLING DOWN!

힘내.


-


on a slightly happy note,the postman came this morning..unexpected.
although i'm not really in the mood,but this still brings a smile on my lips.so this adds up to ABC .


precious thing<3


& MBC LALALA made my day. Sushi (suju+so nyeoh shi dae) anyone?? ^^ though i'm not a fan of snsd,their music is acceptable.




i actually teared,no suprise.
its so beautiful it wiped away all my miseries for a second.i mean,for 3 minutes & 31 seconds. (:
i always knew they're gorgeous,i hope antis can stop bashing them & give them a chance ^^

thank you for filling in my emptiness,even if its only for a second..thank you.you're the only thing i can look up to,the only energy pill i had..your voices that please my heart.

i'm scared,would you hold my hand?would you tell me everything will be fine?would you let me know that i'm not alone? i'm dying here.


running away from the reality is not helping. maybe,for a while. nothing could stop this pain,nothing.there is noone to listen,i've been hiding everything inside its so hard. it doesn't even matter anymore whether there is anyone who actually cares because perhaps i don't deserve it.
i try to distract my attention by doing things that'd make me happy,the things that i enjoy, the things i liked.

but time has to come. i lose to myself. i lose to the selfish & stupid me. i lose to my own life. i lose the game with god. i promised to be strong,yet i can't. i still lose everything in the end. no matter how many ways i tried to inspire myself.

i scrolled down my contact list,hoping to find someone who i could talk to,or maybe just listen,in less than a minute i switched off my phone & cover myself under the blankets,not wanting to come out. i did not cry,i can't. it was hurting this bad i wished i could sleep forever,not waking up anymore. if once,please take out my heart & donate it to anyone who needs it. i can't face this heart,i want it to stop beating. i want to stop living. i'm running from reality,yes i'm being selfish,but if i ever suceeded..this sacrisfice is for something really stupid & meaningless. i know that but yet i choose to do so..i don't blame it on anyone. it's the way i think & judge my decisions,so even if it's stupid,it's me.
if i can have a wish, i just want to leave without anyone knowing. i just want to disappear & not die from this world. as if i haven't existed. as if noone ever knew who i am.

do you know whats the worst feeling in the world?when the only ones you have in your life,does not give a damn about how you feel. does not concern.family-what is the meaning anymore? i never had one.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE? when there's noone to trust. when the only ones you had in life start hurting you.
no matter how much i tried to express,i can never let out this piles of burden because there won't be anyone who will understand this feeling. because you are not alone,i am.
by meaning alone it isn't just that simple,it's deep.

it was me & myself all along. all i ever had is the voices in my head comforting myself.& this piece of broken heart.
you know what. i can't do this. call me stupid,call me a bitch.
when i come from..should be when i leave?


the last thing i want to do is to simply disappear without anyone knowing..

finally. 3jib promotion has ended. i did not tear at today's stage,i refuse to.
i should wave goodbye with a smile,not tears.
goodbye special,with or without banner,is both heart breaking TT_TT


thank you for all those beautiful moments & memories.
thank you for all the hard work & effort you hv put in for us~
thank you for the sleepless nights & the tiring schedules you have to bear just for us~

THANK YOU. *bows*

for once,im not going to take you guys as the adorkable sj,but as the serious & hardworking sj,i'm proud to say i respect you guys a lot.


i'm always with you.
난 항상 당시늘 민는거야 ! ! ! ! ! ♥♥♥



now let's rock supershow II shall we?
together we can!
but before that go get some sleep & charge yourself with lotsa strength k?

MAKE YOUR WAY FOR ASIA'S HOTTEST ICON,SUPER JUNIOR.
IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO ROCK OUT ASIA FOR THE 2ND TIME~!!





p/s:I WANT THAT FREAKING HYUK BLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



FULLSTOP.




i will never give up on you guys,
cherry :)

i still remember vividly my first birthday post i did for you last yr.

& omg, shameless like that,i actually declared you as my hubby!XDDD
i'm sorry i didn't stick with you,bcuz now im shamelessly your hyung's wife! XDDDDD
*sighsighsigh* I'M SHAMELESS LIKE THAT. YOU GOT A PROB WITH THAT!? 8D

enough crapping before i go off topic ==

yeah,i remember having a crush on you. i was crushing so hard on you in my early fangirling days,when i was head over heels over sj.(still am, cant believe it lasted for 1yr & 4 months already ^^) even though your hyungs has taken your position in my heart,i still love you,dear wookie ^_^

i cant remember when exactly i fall for you,but it all started the moment i heard your voice :)
as for super junior's comeback in March, i realised that you've gotten more exposure for your voice as you had a big part in "SORRY SORRY" & the album itself. because you're amazing like that♥

i know you love composing. When i heard that you composed one of the songs in 3jib ver c, , i know i'll like it because its your first composition for the album. biased much? XD







its still there,dear wookie 8D they just won't leave you >D







you've grown up to a mature kim ryeo wook. however,you're still super junior's eternal cute maknae♥♥♥



& you know your hyungs love you,especially our affectionate hae.:]


btw, do you know you make the cutest chipmunk?XD



LMAO, THAT VIDEO IS TOTALLY RANDOMLY SLIPPED IN XD.


p/s:this post is scheduled.
p/p/s:apparently not labelling my pictures cause me such a hard time,bcuz i had to search for ryeowook pictures among the 5000+ other pictures like mad! D<
p/p/s: i hope they win inki today, thats the best bday gift for our dear wookie ^^

..its the end already?
guess what? i'm really not prepared for this.



it feels like yesterday when sorrysorry & neorago came out.
it feels like yesterday when i was cheering & crying like a mad cow over you guys's comeback.
it feels like yesterday when....
everything just feels like yesterday.


i'll never forget those beautiful memories,those nights i've stayed up,those weekends when we spazz & get hyped up over their awesome performances, i have no regrets because i've appreciated each & every second with them,.. from the very beginning.

3 months went like a blur to me.
i dun think i can bear to watch inki tmw..after tmw.. its really the end.why do i sound so passive? there is still supershow to look forward to,but what's sadder is i can't even be there. unless malaysia is in the list & i'll be screaming my heart out

..what a comeback it has been. tears,joy,you name it.


one more stage tomorrow & its really the end.

i'm totally addicted to Hot Issue by 4Minute!
i hv to admit theyre good! Hot Issue is so catchy! this is the kind of music that ive always been waiting for ever since 2NE1 came out with "FIRE". (listen to it ppl,its in my playlist ^^)

BUT. it isn't a smart move to make this as their 1st teaser photo.



i'm always like this,ending up liking something that give me a bad/horrible impression at first sight.
as i want to bash them about their concept that seems nothing different than after school & 2NE1.. "Hot Issue" is so impressive it shut me up.


im looking out to this group. i cant wait for the full mv release! the teaser is so good i kept repeating ever since last night.

HOT ISSUE DAEBAK! =) THE ABOVE PHOTO STILL SHOUTS A LITTLE RIDICULOUS TRASH TO ME BUT HEY,HOT ISSUE ITSELF IS SO GREAT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.

i hope their live is good. or else fail,total fail. you need good live perfs to survive. to awe. to pwn; viewers/fans ♥



random note #2 : baby key is major cuteness! what? he's my 2nd crush in SHINee alright!


i saw his baby pictures @ allkpop & go all "awwwwwwwwwww"

He actually looks exactly the same, but with a little more fat all around, but that just makes him that much cuter. What a cutie! Just replace the hair, and you have a miniature, chubby, more adorable version of today's already cute Key

Just replace the hair!


emo note for a little comfort so i don't feel this much of a pain T-T

my heart feels like its gonna burst anytime soon,there is so much that i hold in,keep in,hide in that it became so hard to speak. i have lost this thing called confidence i'm not even afraid of death anymore. everyone is too realistic,too confident,too selfish,too awkward,too insensitive.
there is noone,however i feel trustable enough to trust.

i feel like i'm barely taken as a human anymore. maybe,because i myself barely respect ppl. no,not people. my classmates. yeah. idk whats wrong. i feel insecure,my class is a scary place.
no,my class CAN be a really scary place at times. the scary awkwardness,the scary racism,the scary atmosphere. it's just... scary.


.. or maybe it's just me. yeah.


seoul is dramatic,yeah. just the right place for me to breathe.


p/s: you know this brings a smile on my face.

..its so hard isn't it?
힘내.

아름다운 천사 박정수, 화이팅 ! ♥




Teuk's emo entries really kills me.


p/s: its so hard to do everything without everything.

Time to feed my baby blog with some worthy materials. just a short one though.

& when i say worthy materials..


lets start off with some hyukjae's dorkiness? i've been so teukie-biased i hardly mentioned about others in my posts







end of worthy materials. not worthy? k,go bang balls! XD

well,honestly i can't stand seeing my blog not being updated when i'm so free like this. so yeah. lol,im bored! i was on youtube marathon this few days xD now,shall go watch more videos =)
btw i think i'll hv to wait a while more before i get my ver c, its not shipped yet ==. eh. i hope it arrives by the end of this holis. >_>

HOHO.





:D don't laugh. i bet you're the same too *sticks out tongue* ;P



// anyway my sj ver c poster is here.



sry for the bad capture. my hp's camera loves being gay T-T nothing i can do bout it.my hp has been pissing me quite badly recently.as if i'm not pissed enough cuz teh memory card & keypads is not functioning. ugh.


also, i'm hopelessly in love with the already separated FTTS. yeah brian is in it if youre wondering.
spent the day listening to their music & feel like i'm in heaven.
i'm still editing my post for them.will be done by..maybe tmw? ♥

oh brian yeobo ♥

yeah. july. they've chosen JULY. july 17 to be exact. mark that date.cuz from that date onwards the boys will be conquering asia. once again.
wouldn't it be awesome if the concert date kicks off on JULY 12? LOL. anyway,this is definitely the best gift for my bday that i couldn't ask for more.

i'm not sure if anyone'd understand this.. but i had a strong desire to see them winning the gayo daejun daesangs.
you guys remember what hyuk said last yr? they weren't in the last yr's daesang list & did not take home any award due to their 1 & a half yr hiatus..

& now their 2nd asia tour is starting from July 17 onwards, aiming 7 cities in asia
7 cities,10 perfs=probably months of rehearsals & it'd take months to finish the tour.. & its starting on july. by the time the boys had finished their tour,i predict it'd be the end of the yr.. & wouldn't they miss out the gayo daejun daesangs?

unless :

1. they hold on some of the cities to next yr & release a single/mini album after the tour in 1 or 2 cities first.
2. they don't do concert at all. LOL WTH THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A JOKE!! OKAY NOT FUNNY -.-''
   

but if its vice versa;which means they'll only focus on their asia tour for the whole 2nd half of 2009 after their 3jib promotion ends then.. will they make it to the yr end music festivals?
i jus feel that it's a lil bit of a pity to miss out the gayo daejun daesangs..
& to win the daesangs the boys probably'd hv to comeback with a single or a whole new mini-album around idk, august , sept, oct ? better before nov..cuz usually daesangs count a lot on recent comebacks & stuff.
and wouldn't that be really tiring & clashing with the boys's 2nd asia tour?
unless they're planning to release a single or mini album(which i really hope) then they could probably aim the end yr daesangs..
but at the moment seems like i'm the only one too concerned about the yr end awards when its only june now! lolz!! its barely after they started promotion for neorago & im talking about another comeback here! lmfao talking about anticipation here .__.

the last time they pwn the yr end awards was back in 2007 when they won "ARTIST OF THE YEAR". awesome ain't it? *prays history repeats itself*


so my conclusion is just this simple, I WANT THE BOYS TO GRAB THE YR-END AWARDS BACK HOME GRANDLY!!!

let's just wait & see. for the moment we should be prepared for their asia tour as its really soon.
seoul, theres 3.
beijing, shanghai: lets say there are 3 concerts in the whole of china.
bangkok, taipei and the other 2 cities: 1 each.
so 2 more left. MAN I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING CUZ IM THINKING THE SAME THING TOO.
LET THE LUCKY ONE OF THE TWO STILL YET TO BE DISCLOSED CITY MALAYSIA!! if its not malaysia but singapore i'll be screaming too. cuz know what?
I'M SO GOING TO THE TOUR IF SPORE OR MSIA IS IN THE LIST. EITHER ONE. but idk,feels like there's a slim chance msia'll be in the list. spore? not sure too. bleah. *prays*



on a darker note..
july will not be a very pleasing month to me. why?
i can't quite tell but i hv some issues currently (which leads to the emo me in the past few weeks) and july will be a painful month,extremely-because it'll be a turning point in my life. something will change in my life and i was deeply depressed & saddened by it up to now each time i think about it.. it's not a problem i can avoid even by laughing it off. it's not a joking matter.

so you see how i don't anticipate the month of july? but after hearing the news that the boys will be havin their 2nd asia tour i can't quite tell how i will feel about july but hopefully,with the news of the asia tour,i'll be able to gain a little more strength from the boys & keep moving on despite the big issue/matter i'll be facing with in July.
it sure will be painful,it sure will hurt,but it's a fact that i can't avoid anymore. it's a fact that i need to face although i feel like dying alr.


& because of this, i'm not sure how i will be strong, because i really dislike troubles(who does anw?) and i don't want this mess and fuss all over in my lucky month July.you know how it feels when other ELF are rejoicing over this happy news yet i can't be fully happy bout it because of the tons of burdens i need to carry on my shoulder? i wish i'm a little older to handle with this matter, for at least i'd be stronger. not as weak as now. 16 is not a pleasing age,certainly not old enough to handle with this kind of matter that requires a lot, a lot of strength,patience,endurance,maturity, that not a 16 yr old nowadays could deal with . kids nowadays don't hv to worry a lot, they're filthy rich jerks & bitches that hv their so called rich parents to feed them like a big huge bear.

i'm not rich. i'm from a average family with a very,very average condition. maybe a little more lucky because i could still afford to support my boys's work ,at the same time enjoying life a little.

i want to be happy like other kids too, i want to live a happy life like how teens at my age does too. but i can't anymore. god has chosen me, me out of the million & billion & zillion humans out of this world. ME. he picked me. i can't brag on & complain like how i used to be anymore "WHY CAN'T HE CHOOSE ANOTHER PERSON? THERE IS MANY MORE HUMANS AROUND THE WORLD,WHY ME OF ALL CREATURES? "

it's not something i'd want to ask anymore. i'm so tired & sick dealing with this. because well,he chose me.

this feeling is not something others or any other human'd understand. i keep trying to forget,keep trying to erase but it keep coming back to me-bcuz its cold hard reality that i had to face,not avoid.
i can avoid,maybe for weeks,but when the time comes,i can't anymore.

& because time is ticking by,passing by unknowingly,because i could not pause it,there is nothing i'd do anymore.

damn. it gets emo unconsciously.

forget it. i'll shake off the stress by feeding myself with more & more music & sj's tour. thats if,the last city is malaysia.

p/s:its summer in korea. okay i'm not alone~ bwahahahah.
p.p.s:my air-cond spoiled.actually weeks ago but being the good girl i'm,i didn't brag bout it bcuz hey,i take it as a good chance to save the earth. reduce CFC usage yo.

This is a special post for someone special i truly respect & am proud of. a special & reserved one.

few days ago i was browsing around k-popped (a malaysia-based kpop entertainment update site.)

& i saw something that really captured my eyes. i was stunned for a moment,& out of curiosty,i was wondering who this lady was.









SOPHIA RIDZA. Her name is gonna leave a huge impact in my life. =)