with all these things going around lately, i am hardly in a incredibly good mood.

of course,if you count the countless things that piled up a mountain for me to deal with,its actually not so much of a stress. i'm used to it.

and then this.



THIS SPINS MY HEAD SO MUCH. ♥
i dont care what people say, i have such an embarassing crush on this man.
kinda like i wish he WAS my brother. ha(pause)ha. keep on dreaming,biatch. :D
now thats about one year of waiting for me. i got into him around the beginning of the year. though he's been around for more than 10 years, pft.

seriously. i AM excited.
with that said, I SO CAN'T EFFING WAIT TILL DECEMBER 10TH.


you know,when Brian was in college,i was FIVE.


p/s: LIZ, 노래 방 YES YES ! now that you're over with college assignments, its my turn to nag :D
& stop texting me during classes wtf ♥

Did you see the fire in her eyes?
Building, brewing, flaming so brightly.
It's pure, it's evil.

in her heart there's this fire that wouldn't settle down,that sets itself from the very beginning. it could be so dim & so bright at the same time.
she's holding back
her tears.
her heart.
her life.
everything

not understanding the logic of gain and loss, she ‘unknowingly’ crossed the line, she dug at old wounds, created new ones. plunged into another life in search of new adventures, new meaning to life, and found herself still stucked.
immersing into fate,she no longer question-the same question she used to question. no longer wander around the same circle aimlessly. its a beautiful starry night,the stars are blinking at her. its their way of saying hi. she wish she could return the blink.
walking on a path scattered with broken pieces of glass along the way,she's still walking. she could not stop & turn back. because if she did,she'll run all the way through the path back to the starting point. she couldn't escape to the finishing point either,because there is no end.
this is a path with a starting point,without a finishing line. all she could do is take one step at a time. step by step,the journey will end itself;sadly not too soon.the ending seems uncertain & the light is still blind. unseen. yes. the unseen ending. the invisible end.
..little by little,her life shattering before her eyes. she suffocating; but she doesn't care. she just wants to get to the end. its not even halfway through,& she's worn out.
"how will you go on? YOU WEAK LOSER."

he slammed the words that echoes illusions to her. Trample the illusion of her wings. if she even had one in the first place.


.. who is she doesn't matter. she's made up by only dusts. a swirl of colours, mostly shaded gray.
she follows the wind,wherever they take her to.

Labels: melancholies

& i mean really short.

not exactly how as i thought it would be,but gosh there were so many moments i literally died,& i bet everyone did too. screw those who had channel V though

!epic moment #1 - 2PM's Best Male Group speech.
- words cant describe how bittersweet it was. jay, you heard that right? idk,cry all you want because everyone is.

!epic moment #2-2PM's Artist of the Year speech.
- again. its so heartwarming. the tears that ive shed last night rivals nothing. usually when i sob,the tears hardly comes out actually,they just flood my eyes & then disappear cruelly. but. this time.
the tears just streamed down effortlessly,the moment taec spoke. the moment junsu mentioned jay. just who isnt tearing at this moment,really?

!epic moment #3
- WORLD OF TEMPTATION. ivy seducing nickhun seducing ivy seducing khun.
GOSH YOUR EXPRESSION,KHUN. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE INNOCENTLY GETTING RAPED BUT DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF THE WAY. blame the manners,blame yourself khun. im not even a hardcore fan & im practically screaming my head off. literally biting my fingers. physically pulling my hair.
advice to khun : DON'T DO IT AGAIN. I'M MADDD >:| sigh. but.. who can blame this kid,really? he's irresistibly irresistible.

!epic moment #4-DBSK's best asia artist award speech.
- idk. dont even ask me. T-T


damn the freaking sm boycott,really.
i cant fucking understand the sm vs mnet feud.

in the end both loses something. what is the effing point?
QUIT THE IMMATURE KID FIGHT ALREADY. NOW,ARE YOU BOTH A 3 YEAR OLD? ROAR.


idk all i can recall from MAMA is 2pm 2pm 2pm & 2pm. *goes back to dreaming flying to seattle to stalk jay*

beware. long post ahead.
while i'm at it,a pic spam to start the entry. why,it doesn't hurt anw >D
after all its been a while isnt it? my blog is filled with such depressing posts lately i feel pathetic to even come here ;_;
lets not talk about nonsense. its rare for me to be in this good mood,so dont spoil the mood myself .


gais. i present to you...
















lee hong ki, MY MEDICINE MAN. stab me all you want,irdc.

i finally noticed the small lips. lol inappropriate but i have a thing for guys with small lips. TMI, XD.
(tmi=too much info.)

i never knew.
he did caught my attention,but it didn't last long. because that was the around the same time SHINee debuted & i totally abandoned F.T

until lately,i listened to F.T's song a lot,when i'm down.
and.. i just fell for him all over again. his voice cures my depression. ive never really thought about it,but this man is one heck of a million.

i had had a lot of favs in the past. majority of them are definitely from sj,as if my bias wasn't obvious enough. i had favs but something is just missing.
teuk. onew. donghae. hyukjae. key. ryeowook.(this too!) they're my drugs,but hong ki is the medicine. one or two traits from them are close to my ideal type in rl,but... ugh,what am i yapping about? its um...ugh... wait idk how to describe this. its like.. ugh scrap that, i REALLY suck at explaining gosh i am totally drunk lol. .__.
but i cant even joke about how i feel about him. that means,ITS SPECIAL. i dont label it as a crush or love but just special. not in a madly starstrucked way either.. but just special. i dont even know how to describe how special it is.. or perhaps i should call it UNIQUE. YES UNIQUE IS THE RIGHT WORD.

all this while ive been hooked to my fav list & i just mess around among the list.

but look.. hong ki isn't. he's different from all the idols i used to fangirl. he's different. something is different about him. idc what you think,he is different & thats enough. I AM SO DRUNK.


his voice echoes my pain. you know its already so sad to listen to,yet you still listen & never want to stop listening because for you,sadness cures sadness. only sadness overcomes sadness. its like washing away wound with water. though it hurts,but its the first thing needed to be done to the injury. miraculously it cures. oh my gawd lame comparison ;_;

he doesnt exactly does wonders,but its a lot better than before. i wishNEED i could TO install him in my head. he is my medicine,mine.


the feeling is there a while ago,but the realization is too sudden. or should i say,it took me such a long time to realise i've fell for this man.
and............... talking about the small age gap(he's a 90'er.)... so much for self-syok... *smackselfwithabrick* XD lol i'm INSANE.


this time i won't be wrong. ITS THIS MAN. HE'S THE ONE.
the missing puzzle. the emptiness in me that noone would be able to understand. the emptiness that noone will be able to fill. the emptiness that not even happiness can replace.
he filled the emptiness;not completely(i wont lie) but at least it wasn't as horrible as before.
he's the only one who can put me into sleep on a teary night. he's the light i see in darkness...? ohdang.
silly me,he's been around all this while,& i was never aware. but you know how they say the right thing usually comes on the right time?







talking about you're beautiful,i cant believe its ending so soon. they deserve better ratings & imo,it was a really GOOD drama.definitely beats out BOF. just the ost is worth the $
& to end the entry,here's a extremely adorable picture of my top bias in YAB which obviously features some brotherly love. ;D


bonus:




i feel a lot better after writing this post. this entry will make up for all the gloomy mood in the past entries,i hope.

/needs to forget about unnecessary burdens. /hong ki where are you! ♥*
hk:/comes out with food
me:GAH I LOVE FOOD! *grabshongki* 8D ♥♥♥


i'll do the bricking myself,shoo.



p/s: I MUST FEEL BETTER. MUST. I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE

this day finally came. the thing that i dont wanna happen the most finally happened. it was a bitter experience,but i'm so bitter myself i cant even feel the bitterness anymore.
from what happened today ive finally learned,ive finally realised,to never,ever trust anyone in the world but yourself.this world has once again proven me that noone is worthy to be trusted at all.. not even your own family.

thank you so much for that lesson,it was the most useful lesson i ever had in my life.

you taught me to be a cruel person,remember that. i'm officially a person without feelings,i am numb. this way is so much better, i dont even feel anything anymore.

right now i do not want to listen to anything nor talk about anything. please do not bother me. i have a big time of fuss with this issue & i dont wanna deal with another nonsense. i'm so fumed up nothing else matters anymore.


at this moment only one person's voice calms me down. lee hong ki. the same song has been repeating since this morning in my mp3,hongki is the only thing i need in this dark world.

p/s: is today's weather a sign to let me know that my heart'd cry as much & turn this cold as well?

i was napping soundly till the thunder woke me up earlier,pft. ah,i just love rainy days,its the best time to nap~XD
& i was quite tired from school today,you know. today's the last day at school for pretty much everyone & we were busy the whole day with the form 5 books organization thing.
& pls just let me say one thing,F5 books are fugly~lmao. f4 textbooks are so much prettier,rofl. 8D
too bad we havent gotten accounts & history books yet,since the 09 f5 are using it now for their exam.

anyways..1 & a half month will pass in a blink of an eye. so i really dont see the point why people's like hardcore celebrating the so called short freedom..tsk.
during this holidays i'll make some time to reflect on myself,what ive been doing wrong & things like that. & then train myself to be meaner & become a real bad ass. muahahahahhahaha.
ROFL. do you seriously believe that? -_-
idk,but i'll try to improve myself & be a better person as in sense of strength,patience & most importantly the passion & determination to overcome the stress i will be facing with especially with the SPM phobia i've developed..its not doing me any good DD<

& i'm senior soon,rofl. i admit,no matter how i see it,its like i'm a 8th grader ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
so really,i should work on my height. i CAN'T be stuck at this height,nononono.
to make matters worse, 18 if we count the infamous korean age. seriously now,this people just dont look their age. 94'er? need to think twice to believe that >_<
& this of the same age with me. what does that just make me? T-T
and the 92'ers make my age more deceived than the 93'er suprisingly.


anyway,by now.. i should get ready & prepare myself for next yr.i can predict how hard its going to be alr, a girl's instincts is never wrong. this year went exceptionally hard because i was so unprepared, so immature, so fragile, & all the bad things you can think of.
in the future..i wish to stand stronger,more matured,less fragile, and..........................



...ahem....taller. seriously now,even a 14 yr old prefect is 1 & a half head by me..dont even talk about the f3's. i feel like a freaking dwarf. RAWR. why the hell are they growing so fast!? gah why god why.

whatever it takes i.must.go.tall.

BLEH. i will. dont despise my passion,i mean it this time. *serious glare* lol.

and i really,really,REALLY WANNA WATCH 2012. this is probably the most anticipated movie of the year for me. its screening in the cinemas today T-T damn you liz. who am i suppose to hit the cinema with you "dating" in singapore now? XDDDDDDDDDDD so much for the word "dating". XD
& dont be scared to talk to me or use heavy language okay? im really fine now,not down anymore. ^^ youre making me feeling guilty y'kno. i saw you on msn earlier & you know what happened next.. XD you should know i change really quick right? if i'm down today i'll be fine the next day.. dont blame me..blame the hormones. hormonal imbalance wtf -_-



p/s: 2012. T-T

im trying really hard,why are you still pushing me? i hate this. why do i have to live like this? i dont wanna live like this anymore...please. once is enough,twice is death to me. where is real home? its all gone..just when i thought this will be the last time,i was wrong.. idk,i don't wanna lost my home. i lost it once,& i know how much it hurts.. GOD when will you stop my heart from beating?

this is a place where people only help out among themselves,never caring for strangers.
my position has slowly became nothing.. don't look aback.
if youve chosen..then dont turn back. from now on,i'll move on with myself..without everything. be happy with your life..don't care about me anymore.the more you show signs of concern,the more i'll not be able to get over it & in the end i'll really upset everyone.
it cannot be helped.

just like how words turn into dust when we erase them away.. we i had fade into nothing but dust... nothing but all that's left.

worn out.. pissed.. angry.. thats how i felt lately.
im not deaf. i heard everything. & pretending like i don't care is no longer a lie..but to say it doesn't just sting my heart in the mildest way is comfort words to my heart.


i should stop before i go on another long grandma story of ranting.
anyway finals is over,& obviously im not happy bout it. why? do you even need to ask? i did effin bad & i want to retake the exam again,seriously. im really upset & couldn't go through my own heart. i dissapointed myself,great. i guess the reason i did so bad is because i'm bothered by a lot of things during the finals period.. im so pissed at myself for not be able to overcome my own feelings & swoosh them away. why cant i be stronger? havent i had enough pain to last me a lifetime of strength alr?

& then i worry about really unnecessary stuffs.. one of the thing that bothers me is none other than SPM aka college entrance exam. (okay this is not unnecessary at all) i srsly think its too much of a stress for me to handle..its not about the passion to study or anything,its just me.
i know i sound stupid..but really,this is the college entrance exam we're talking about here. now,each time i saw the word SPM,it just freaks the hell outta me. i almost stop thinking whenever i think bout it.
the problems i have to face everyday in & out my life..the stress is too much to bear. noone knows a thing..because well.. who can i trust,really? i watch people stabbing from my back from a mirror & i fear of trusting... i guess the word trust doesnt exist in my dictionary anymore.

i think its obvious..that ive developed the early SPM phobia.


enough depressing here. i think i'll turn my blog into a place to rant & complain if i continue to act like this. for now lets forget all the worries i have in my mind,& let the fangirling mode take place.
you know fangirling is a healthy hobby. it makes me forget about other stresses, & yeah.



TO-DO-LIST.

FACEBOOK.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
STALK.STALK.STALK.
FANGIRL.FANGIRL.FANGIRL.

lol isnt the last two the same thing? -_-


yes i can still have fun at times like this. what? this is the only thing to distract my stress & depression away.. you dont wanna see me talking to the wall or knocking myself to it do you? oh well you do..


okay..


screw you.

if i have nothing to do..i'll start thinking about crazy thoughts & then...lol. hardcore punish myself like starving,upset people(my style of punishment to myself) to see myself getting misunderstood,chew on people's patience,yada yada. you can say i'm a rebel,because i cant agree more. just that i dont unleash it so often.
it happens once in a while when i'm really,really stressed. & i dont seem to realise it...only after doing it will i realise. so.... i just wanna apologize if i hurt anyone or anything...you dont have to forgive me actually,i don't mind.


*goes back to fangirl*


p/s: i'm so 4D,pft.

alert: not very sane while typing this entry >:|



utterly fed-up with my finals.
even my test 3 results was way better. i'll flunk the results,i'm not kidding this time. i know how bad i did. i just couldn't believe i broke my own promise.. my only promise to prove myself. now i'm screwing everything,from this to that. how is that?
it was going all fine till.... man,irdk.
someone needs to really whack the hell outta me to wake me up..i'm just drowning in invisibility.


no matter how strong i try to stay.. in the end its always the weaker part which takes over me. i still can't stay strong..why? even after all these?
i'm going to be hard on myself. idk what will i do..but my heart screams a self-punishment.


theres not even someone to talk to comfortably,but i don't needa. i'll be just fine.

and..you. dont talk like that. its not you in this position, so don't.
do you know? its like millions & millions of arrows targeted from ur back,shot right through ur heart.
is this even life? am i even living? comfort. trust. thats all i need.