shaking and crying because i've totally messed up accounts like fuck. the more butthurt thing if i wasn't so unnecessarily tensed up during the paper that everything actually appeared like a blur and in a split second i'd forgotten EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING i remembered right AFTER the effin paper, i could actually do em'. FML rly

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'M READY FOR PN.SIVA'S RAGE IF I FLUNKED IT BAD ENOUGH


T____________________________________________T

p.s this was supposed to be posted on the paper day itself, but i hv a habit of drafting stuffs & forgetting to post them. ㅋㅋ

i just can't do it you know. maybe its because i have such a weak heart.

moving in & out like this really depresses me. and when i say i dont wanna be living like this i felt the biggest stab of guilt ever because theres so much more unfortunate ones out there. also mainly because i'm never one who like changes around me. so when it happens i just dont know what to do or how to react. it eats at me. i just wanna live on average everday even if its not any better or good as anyone. i just want to keep the way it is. it is hard to change that thing in me. that thing that refuses to accept change. i'd like to think that i'm generally luckier than most people in this world but the community & range i'm is is nowhere near these. this isn't some cinderella fairy tale. so eventually i try to keep up with the pace but it just didn't work the way i want it to. i'm just a kid,lacking in strength & endurement through it all.
the first time was a huge impact on me. i dont enjoy the feeling not even a bit. now i'm just a kid without a promosing future because i'm not all that gifted at all. i try to believe that i can achieve something in life but from the way it looks now i really dont think i could. i'm lackin in so many things with the security and confidence im losing day by day due to the lack of warmth im one needing just warmth & its life couldn't get better for me hell yeah. but it never happened. not even once. maybe it did. but i've forgotten the feeling of being cared for & loved.

im too afraid of losing what i have so i learnt that its better to not even own it at the first place. i cant withstand the feeling of everything taken off me my life so here i am just watching & letting everything leave one by one and making up excuses to cover my wounds.perhaps because it is so lonely & painful to be facing all this alone.
i cant commit to anything when i'm like this because i simply fail at lying about problems & all. i'm just afraid to commit to something. i cant believe in myself now idk how to hold on to my future because it just seems so dark & uncertain. ive never been so secretly scared before. this is also probably why i fear commitments.


friend. if i ever cried in front of you, i no longer can hold everything inside & you'll finally see what i've been hiding all this while. i'm truthful when i'm truthful. believe me.

until then. just watch me struggle. god loves seeing me failing throughout life by myself, without anyone. he just seemed to love that.


i believe that when i want to be that person i'll be that person.

at the end of the day after countless motivations no matter how hard i try my heart is still weak its no good anymore

and now, a little note for myself & perhaps everyone-

Don't always just read something & judge it like that without giving it a second thought/having a second look. but even if you had done so it doesnt mean you actually get it so yeah. look for the meaning in the words cause they dont always meant the same to everyone.
Different people read different things even if theyre reading the exact same thing. People suck it up in their own dictionary. & thats what i always do. guess thats why ppl just dont get me & im so complicated idek

hmmm. MEDITATE WHERE ARE YOU

// i hate watching fucking unfair lousy local competitions because when you found rare good ones among the sucky ones you just go fucking bonkers when they fall out thanks to the fucking bias. idk i hardly pay attention to the scene but these people okay GUYS were rly good & dont fuckin deserve to be voted off just because everyone who votes are just families/friends. gais & girls would rather go watch SGB & KPOP than wasting their money voting for nothing -__-;; so why even bother setting up a unworthy competition like that? UGH. DDD< & YES I SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE WATCHED BECAUSE NOW I'M JUST SOBBING IN A CORNER ALONE OVER THE THREE HOTHOT POTENTIALLY TALENTED GUYS.

p/s:i apologize for the excessive(?) use of the f word here. well even if its corny i cant help it. so stfu & thanx.

just wanna clear things up

it has ALWAYS been my fault from the very start of this shit.trapped in my own mess,unhappy, depressed, slowly forming a zone of my own, insecurity,pushing the blame on others to delude my heart into feeling better even if i know its my fault,i seemingly do it just to make it up for my sensitive heart,bcuz in the end we both know its my fault so why the rage?

i could pull you over & tell you everything & be honest & my heart will open up fully & when i do that it means i treasure you & i trust you more than anything but i never had the chance. theres always somebody with you & im reluctant to do so bcuz im afraid you wouldn't listen/pay attention. i was needing attention. you were close to knowing me best, if we progressed more as friends. it could be really beautiful.

you know how it feels when lumps & lumps of rl troubles & shits starts piling up & trapping yr heart & so you end with nothing but a sealed heart & mind instead? it affects the way you act too. i know everybody have dark days & im bein an emo freak & overly dramatic but i cant help it. i cant go on a day thinking bout this & that. so this is why i'm cold & ignorant now. you care nothing bout me so i thought i meant nothing to you anymore. aight?

but up to now, frankly i've never ever done so. not even once. so eventually i'm not fully opening up my heart to anyone at all. do you get me? so isnt it obvious i'm smiling but crying inside?

i'm like that to anyone close to me. thats because i dont have many friends so the ones i have i treasure them a lot. maybe im the type that treasures one particular person & ignores everyone else when i'm in the stage of opening up because i cant just shout out my stuffs out loud to everyone for sharing purpose.
weren't you like that too? aren't everyone like that as well? regardless of how many friends they hv there'll be one that theyre closer to-it could happen anyday anytime. so when youre closer dont you share things when you share things you feel more comfortable when you feel more comfortable youre slowly steppin outta ya zone step by step isnt that a good thing? look,ive been a loner for one whole year. i mean, once an outcast. always an outcast. but im trying, so so hard to change that. but i came off as an ignorant idiot. pretty.

the way you look at me now is just downright like i'm some freak/creep. i understand though. you dont like me having fun with others. its such an eyesore to you. well then i guess you prefer me not smiling at all and putting on an grumpy face all day long.
its either youre not used to seeing me like that. or you just simply dont like me with others.
because i tend to ignore you. right. have you not done the same?
oh. right. i even ignored myself. how could i forget.
okay maybe i dont seem genuine enough.
thats what you see someday you'll realise what you see isn't everything.

perhaps you think i like to write poetic excuses to make it up for myself but this is just the way i think. if its bad, then its bad i'm trying to do something about it too,but its not easy to change a person, her genes & p.o.v?

im tired of explaining myself because i could give you a million of reasons & excuses but i'm not like that anymore its immature & pathetic as if its not already.

p/s. those are strong words & i'd lie if i say it didn't hurt a bit but its all good i've heard worse

idc bout the song cuz the mv made me jizz ma pants like fjdshkjfhjdshfksdfhfhdskhf crawl on the screen and yeah i cried so what
idk. because dancing under the rain has nvr been this OMFGDRAMATICSEXY? haha wtf.

maybe watching the mv before listening to the song itself is not so much of a good idea since i'm the type that would first get hooked to the oozing hotness instead of feeling the song first xD
jeez i dont see why don't stop can't stop can't be a title track? so what if its a big 'IN YOUR FACE HATERS!' mess? it's an epic mess, that is more than enough to shoot both fans & antis. ♥ (fuck you though, coldests whatever. teehee.)

나는 쓰러질 수가 없어
쓰러지기엔 너무 늦었어
So we don’t stop (2)
We can’t stop (P)
Until we reach the top (M)

다신 오지 않을 기회야
절대 놓치고 싶지 않아
So we don’t stop (2)
We can’t stop (P)
Until we reach the top (M)

You wanna see me fall right?
(Haters)
Like a candle on a windy night,
Yeah right
Just watch me do this
Take a breath hold tight
I’m never going down without a fight,
Aight?

(Pain) Gather the pain
(Fear) Gather my fears
Memories of my broken heart
Gather all the times I struggled in heartbreak
Burn, Let it burn
Burn, Let it burn
It’s burning inside of me flame, flame
Cause I got one shot to the top uh


HATERS BE GONE. NUF'SAID.

p.s funny how some people still cant move the f on when JAY fuckin moved on. think bout it, you're still struggling by yourself when everyone else moved on. really funny.
JAY ♥ 2PM ♥ JAY aight? love&respect, kays?

Labels: epic lyric is epic.

stop making up excuses for myself. STOP.
i need to stop.


....

but i can't stop.

the self-restrain comes & goes.
i can't do anything about it.
it's frustrating.
it's devastating.
it's killing me.

some days just don't belong to you, it's not yours.
however when it is your day, youre extremely fluttered because you hardly get any day that really goes for you. so- appreciative.
then again not everyone share the same day you know what i mean?
so how do we get along in this messed up "its my day maybe not yours" thing?
tolerate? patience? forgiveness?

its seems so easy to say it, in fact it is, but do we actually do it?

one more thing.

난 바보가 아니에요. 난 바보가 아니에요. 난 바보가 아니에요.

/pointless. 'cuz in the end we're all still one.....a huge one at that..........

physical test for P.E today was a lot of fun xD (did i just said that? /headesks/)

when things started everyone looked like they were just about to DIE at the cross-legged push ups so i wasn't very keen on that either because their reactions seriously freaked me out. soon i was like man bad idea i feel like escaping but then in a split second i thought , 'why should i?' lol. i seriously thought i was failing my chances but hey i did it & the count stopped at 40. tbh if i kept at it i could've gone beyond 40. a few ppl were asking me to stop but i kept going lol idk. .__.
thats the only thing im good at anyway, the very few things i actually master/has benefit of. im no good with sports but if its about meditation, stretching or just anything yoga-related, without a doubt xD

~ sore throat is one of the thing i hate most. ugh. i'd rather suffer a night with upset tummy than a constipated painful throat that hurts even at a gulp of water. sucks.
i just hope i don't develop a fever :\

~ NOTHING ON YOU IS OFFICIALLY ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAV SONG EVER. it juz reached the 100 count play. both B.O.B & jay's version. ♥

~ not to mention,rain's Love Song english version is sooo good.not quite fond of the korean version but the en. ver is OMFGSEXY. can i say HOT? ♥

~ i have a lot of things to say but this maybe isn't the right time. plus, i always have a lot to say, the only difference is they just remain unsaid. :\

~ last but not least, !EXAMS! watch me die /shootshead

Labels: here comes torture. fuck exams.

4/4 is epic because it's both of my biases bday ♥ boths rap & is just as adorable(in a hot way that is) xD



JOE CHO JUN YOUNG ♥ my skywalker~





LEE HYUK JAE ♥ myASIA'S ANCHOVY~
meeting you is like a dream come true (duh) & damn, those muscles. if i hadnt witnessed it with my own eyes i'd still doubt it. GAH. & ooh guyliner lets not forget the guyliner. werk it bb <3

a year older bbs ♥ all the best & ilu~♥

p.s hyuksky will be the best thing to happen. teehee. 8D

sneaked to the back of school during class. we had nothing better to do :|






^anyone who could actually figure out what i was actually doing in this pic , kudos cuz i dont even know what i was actually really doing in the first place




p.s i was so enthusiastic for the physique test for P.E today(which involves stretching ;A;) till i remembered that my backbone still hasn't fully recovered from the last yg class. FML :\

Labels: short blah.