Lately..

there's been a thing that's been bothering me,a lot.

i feel so burdened & incomplete..

whatever it is.. i found a way... my way.. i saw the flash of hope to cover my sadness..i found the best medicine for my lonely soul. i found the best friend of my life.. i wanted to try.

at least, to feel better.

shit, its so hard to express everything right now.. maybe i express better in my mind.

anyway, i was hoping for understanding.. i was hoping for support.

but turns out that noone gives a damn. i want to try,i want to try,i want to try,this words keep repeating in my mind. why can't i try? aren't my dreams , dreams as well?
isnt having a dream better than being an ambitionless person? yes,dreams hardly comes true but for once.. would you guys believe in me? why'd you deny my dreams when you dont actually understand?

when i made a decision.. a real serious decision.. or even the small lil things in life that requires decision.. I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY & THINK ABOUT IT DEEPLY FROM EVERY ASPECTS.

i consider it seriously before making my final decision.. & therefore whatever i do, whatever decision i made,whatever action i take,i've considered them really deeply. you can doubt anything bout me but you cant doubt me on the decisions i made.. because i've considered & thought about it every single second,seriously,deeply,& WHEN I HV DECIDED, THATS WHAT I CHOSE.

& I WILL NOT REGRET. because i know thats the best for me. thats the lost part of me , the incomplete side of me ive been searching for.

ive grown to think more maturely.. to think wider & look further.. & when ive decided to move on,the ppl i love the most refuse to trust me.. & my dreams. why?
i just wanted to learn.. why won't u give me a chance? why won't u listen to what i have to say with an understanding heart?

WHY ?

i don't know how to go on without support.. well actually I DO.

i used to fall.. a lot. fell, stood up , slipped, stood up again, trapped, find the way out in darkness, & everything repeats over&over again.

but then.. when it became something my heart feels too used to being torn.. it became a
STONE.

i am used to the feeling of being abandoned. because i turn myself into that way. & now,im jus doing the same thing,abandoning everyone. for once, i wanted to be bad. for once, i want to be as hard as a stone.. as cold as ice. for once, i tried to HURT everyone. for once, i tried to HATE everyone.
i am such a bad girl right?

i fail as a friend.. as a daughter.. as a student.. as a girl.. as a HUMAN.

I FAILED.

ive tried my best, i realised i hv to take a position in life-be it the nice girl, the bad one,the biatch, the slut, the annoying,the quiet,the loner, the cold, the mean ones etc

ive chosen to be quiet. ive chosen to keep to myself , ive chosen to be a coward. i chose to shut down my eyes & my heart. i chose to close my door of my heart & build walls of ice around me.. no more warmness, no more bubbly talks.

because.. ive chosen not to believe everyone. could it be because of my different thoughts from the ppl in my life? could it be because i'm afraid i'd hurt anyone ever again so i chose to stay away?

COULD IT BE BECAUSE I'M INSECURE?

that i shut my heart down?
im really afraid.. to the point i woke up from nightmares when i worry too much the day before.nightmares started recently, after i cried in dark in my room,alone. yet noone actually knows whats going on with me.. my life. not even my closest family or friend. it was this hard,having noone to know nothing about you. having noone to know even if one day..

i unconditionally die.

death was too much of a joke to play with.. be it one day im gone from the world, just one day, would anyone actually realise? would anyone actually notice? be it im an orphan,but just living the same life as i do now, only difference havin no parents, will anyone still realise im gone?

does it make any difference when im gone?




i doubt.




it took me forever to be brave & speak out.. but when i actually did, why did you rejected my words? why won't u understand my dreams & what i would love to do?

no,im not seeking for your support. you dont hv to support me, im just seeking for your understanding. was it that hard? or was it because you never really take me seriously? am i really noone? yes i am & i believe sooner or later,things will be better. & humans change. i may be noone right now, but if it wasn't for my dreams,i wouldn't even TRY to pursue myself & be inspired. if it wasn't for my inspiration, there really isn't any reason to live.

do you know how IMPORTANT is my dreams,my inspirations to me?

DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IS MY FUTURE TO ME?

MOST OF ALL,DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IS DOING SOMETHING I LOVE TO ME???


my heart aches so much when you actually thought my dreams were just an instant thought. am i forever a kid to you? do you think i'd fool around with my future? DO YOU THINK I WAS JOKING?
WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK FROM MY PERSPECTIVE?
WHY CAN'T YOU THINK FROM MY PERSPECTIVE?
WHY CAN'T YOU STAND IN MY POSITION FOR ONCE?

just for once?

ive thought about it more than a thousand times, for years, & i feel so happy i teared because i'd finally found my path,my dreams,what i really wanted to do. im sure this is what im going to do in future, im sure i'll work hard for this, but why.... aren't you giving me a chance to try? to train myself from now so that it wouldn't be tough in future? to polish myself so that i hv bigger opportunities to do what i love? learning is never too early,being a 16 teaches me to learn things earlier so that there wont be regrets in future.. time flies. and i dont want to waste the time i hv now ~ why not use it with things that will guide me better to my future?

to be honest.. im even more angry that you didn't EVEN OBJECT MY CHOICE. FOR AT LEAST, I COULD'VE FOUGHT WITH YOU & CRY MY HEART OUT. BUT YOU WERE JUST.... NOT GIVING A DAMN... NOT CARING... NOT EVEN ASKING WHY.

was it that hard to support me? am i doing something illegal now? am i doing something against the law? was it wrong to chase for my dreams? who could hv thought this'd happen when the elders always advice us to fight for our dreams..

is dreaming big a bad thing?

then why did they ever created the "DREAM BIG" slogan ?
this is only the first step.. no, not even a full step. a half step to the beginning of my dreams..
im not trying to accomplish it instantly, i just wanted to try step by step.. inch by inch..

if supporting is hard, you dont hv to support. if encouraging is hard, dont encourage.


i wasn't expecting for yur support nor encouragement.. my dreams itself is a big encouragement for me to move on-with a dream. it was hard to speak to you about such a thing without stuttering worrying that u might think im joking and worrying that i dont sound confident & strong enough-to convince you. & when i slipped a little, i failed everything-including convincing you. & it will take me forever to start this over again with the same courage it takes. i wasnt afraid, i was worried i couldnt convince you. because this is about me, my dreams. & i do not wish to make u feel like im just playing a fool or not serious enough with it. so i tried...

but i was let down-as expected. it was worst than i expected, i couldn't even speak out everything that i could hv said about it. i couldn't even explain it.. & that makes me a fool. everything just doesnt seem to come out from my mouth... everything just stays in my mind unspoken... right now, i dont know how can i say it anymore..

it was hard to write this post. it was hard to pour out the true words in my heart without feeling miserable . it was hard to EXPRESS. it was hard y'know? it was hard on me.. it was hard for me. does god really loves everyone? is HE REALLY FAIR? if so, why is he giving me suchan hard life?
i understand this is an obstacle to go through.. i do. & IM NOT BLAMING GOD. IM JUST QUESTIONING WHY ; THE WHY'S PPL OFTEN QUESTION OF WHEN THEY'RE IN HARD&BAD TIMES..

is he preparing something excellent for me ahead? is he giving me a hard life now, but a beautiful life in future? does karma really exist? i used to hear a lot of experiences from the elders & a friend of mine used to told me that, when god closes the door, he always leave a window open for you.. when he treated you harshly, he'll give you something good in return.. he won't leave you in darkness forever. perhaps he just wanted you to be a stronger kid by going through all these hard times..

he will reward you-when he thinks youve been through enough.. im not a religious person but i do seek help from god when im in hard times.. i pray silently in my soul, jesus, buddha-they're all the same. bcuz they're ALL GODS.

The loneliness of nights alone
the search for strength to carry on
my every hope had seem to die
my eyes had no more tears to cry

& when you think this man doesnt mean anything...
he was the first one i thought of right after the nightmare.
he was the first one i feel secure even by just thinking of his name/picturing him in my mind ,

he was the one i thought of in darkness when i cried badly..