i will be frank.

its either i get all your sincerity.. or i'll screw myself over. i won't screw you.

i won't leave you alone..though it may seems so. if you had noone,i'll be there. until then,be happy with the ones around you now. because my role is taken..i'll stay away.

because its like this..even the sound of laughters became really annoying ㅠㅠㅠㅠ. you listens to her don't you? sometimes it makes me wonder...have you ever really listened to me? frankly?
i care about you.. & this is my way of denying that i care.. but even im beginning to hate myself for doing this..because there is another person. what is my role now? what am i to you now? things that i want to say started piling up in my heart day by day & now i wasn't able to express anything anymore.. because there are just too much to begin with.

& you. yeah you. the other you. i dont hate you really..i'm just not used to giving my only companion to you..i just feel a little awkward for i will share anything but not this. i cant share my feelings,sorry. i cant split feelings into two & make it between three or four. so sorry.


i didn't want anyone to care about me..i didn't want anyone to see how really miserable i feel.
so i tried being arrogant,mean, ego. i rather be the mean girl than the miserable girl with people trying to sympathy me. i'd rather be the bad one. just let me be the bad person.

it does hurt in the beginning.. but at least i don't end up hurting for a long time. temporary pain is better than permanent pain right?

slowly..i've forgotten how to laugh with a friend over little things.. nothing is funny anymore.

i don't like stones blocking in our way.

things that don't belong to you..don't belong to you after all.its true, i'm ruining it with my own hands.. i miss those times we had together.. now that i see you with another person,getting closer each day i begin to feel far & my heart was unable to reach you. as a friend.
its always like this. i'm always the bad one in this situation. my heart has turned cold..i don't feel warm no more.

i'm not a thick-skinned person. REALLY NOT.

& home you ask? to me its just a building i live in,nothing more than that. i never had this thing called HOME. just when i fail at relationships & bonds,everything started failing on me.

i don't mind,really. i hv nothing ,noone by my side now so i really don't mind anymore. at least i won't hurt anyone anymore but myself. its fine,not that im not used to hurting myself. i'm happy because the lesser the bonds i have,the lesser pain i'll cause to anyone. i don't want to hurt anyone anymore,please.
if i fall..i'll get up on my own, cry,bitchslap myself, & then move on. i don't need anyone comforting me,because i'm used to it now. to the pain of loneliness.

i finally realised how cruel & mean the world is,how this world is filled with hypocrites. no,not this world. maybe just a small part of this world because i know there's truly nice ppl out there,it just happens to be the place i live in & go to.
what really ticks me off is kids without self-discipline. especially kids of my age. this refers to whats been happening in reality.kids are so spoiled these days & what is the world doing about it? i cringe each time i saw these kids who don't love themself & appreciate the time they have. does your parents work for nothing? & thats when rich kids really disgust me. i despise them. independent is not a word that exists in their dictionary & when i see these kids,at least i know i will never follow their steps. i'll never let my dad work for nothing,this i can promise.

..i'm not the best kid with best achievements but at least i know i am different from them.from those who don't even think further ahead,who don't think of their parents after 10 years.

so i'll do it on my own. i'll stay away from relationships for a long time..maybe 2 years..after school life ends. & when i rewind back these days,i'll be able to laugh at myself & remind myself that:


I'M DIFFERENT.


i'm stronger than anything,because i've gone through these hardships i gave to myself.
i can be alone without worrying about my stupid pride..i just need to be a little more confident & i wont feel so bad anymore.
i'll not cry like a kid anymore.
my heart will be stoned now if thats what you wish. i will not interact,i'll make use of my time in school & enjoy when its all over.

i'll do what i'm supposed to do.


should i just stay this way until my very last yr in school?
fate decides.

till then,
be strong. please. dont screw the only thing you are left with.