this morning when i wake up to get ready for school i felt unusually dizzy. skipped school because i cant get ready in that state.


i'm blogging now, feeling slighly sick & uncomfortable.


im very sure its just the time of the month again.
i do feel a little hot though,despite the cold day.



sometimes i wonder how can i be this mean. idk really. being mean,giving the silent treatment.. is what i'm good at sometimes. its just my way of protecting myself.
i can be bubbly too,like in the past. but i can't now...

i don't like it. i don't hate her.. but sometimes its just so sickening.
i'm selfish. yes i am. i tried hard to bear with everything that is taken off my life.everything that a teenager at my age deserves to have. support,friends,family,warmness.
as if my life is not messed up enough.. my only companion is taken away too.

maybe i didn't hold tight enough to my relationships & bonds.
i'm not strong enough to hold on to them anymore. i'm not confident enough to ask anyone to stand by my side.. anymore.


now i'm all alone,left with this mess i have to deal with. what's going on with my life,what's been happening,it's all a mystery. a dark mystery i choose to hide.
you know why? you're only telling me to share share share & share.. but have you ever thought that why am i reluctant to do so?

i don't hate you.
i'm just pretending to.

pretending to be strong,pretending to be harsh.


it's because you are not me. you won't understand what i am going through because you live a different life,complete with everything..


vacation with.. family? it's impossible. when i heard stories of fellow friends having fun with their family together,i feel envious. its not the first time i felt this way.

.. and thats when i decide i'll never share my part,because i have nothing but miseries here & there. & because everyone's a happy kid at heart,they will never understand this feeling at all.
so whats the point of sharing something that noone will be able to understand?
its like talking to a wall or telling a crying baby to shut up.no, its almost like speaking chinese to a foreigner from idk, India? lol.


unless you trust me. then i can share. i WILL share.

trust. left right.. up down.. my trust to people has gone down the river. because i trust too easily in the past,i learned my lesson & had a taste of my own medicine.


at least keeping everything to yourself makes you stronger. at least it does something good besides hurting you.


i need someone. not a friend but rather a psychologist,i'm not kidding here. i don't joke with things involving my emotions.

i repeat,i don't joke about matters like this.


& this is when fangirling became my healthiest hobby ever,keeping me away from negative thoughts.

it used to do harm to my studies in the past when i became a little too obsessed,but its not the same thing when you have self-control as you grow.


p/s: SS501 WILL BE AT ONE WORLD HOTEL,PJ TOMORROW @ 6PM FOR A FANSIGNING SESSION.

sadly i couldn't make it because its too sudden. they just release the news like TODAY!? isnt it too sudden to arrange my time? T.T well..

i'll get my copy sooner or later.
yes i can still fangirl at times like this.